Partly because raising a newborn takes a lot of time on less than normal sleep.
(Although Judah is actually a great sleeper so maybe I've just been lazy.)
And partly because I have absolutely NO idea where to start or how to fully wrap my head around this beautiful story that God has written in our lives.
But at some point I must try. So as I sit here now, I'm praying that I can do a small justice to our adoption process, the lessons we've learned, how our faith was stretched and to honor God's goodness and faithfulness in our lives.
A lot has happened since our last update. Judah has settled into his new home, his room has come together, and the other two kids are ALL about him. We had our first doctor's visit...and he is healthy and measures with a big head, just like the rest of our crew! I have seen his first smile and listened to his first baby coo's and we have had the pieces all fall into place with the legal and financial side of this journey.
We are still a bit of paperwork and a court date away from Judah being recognized fully as our son, although we know he is in our hearts already. We would appreciate the prayers while we wait, and look forward to celebrating with everyone who has journeyed with us when the process finally closes and we simply get to love and parent this beautiful child.
As I get closer to that moment, it has made me reflect on all that has happened. All God has done. All I have learned. All I have struggled with.
I think the phrase that best sums up the journey is actually a question.
Faith or fear?
Can we follow this desire that God has placed on our hearts or will it be too hard?
Faith or fear?
But I just had childcare figured out and how will a newborn change that?
Faith or fear?
I don't know if we can afford this.
Faith or fear?
What if the process takes forever? Do I have the endurance for this?
Faith or fear?
What if we never get a "yes"?
Faith or fear?
Can we afford another child's expenses?
Faith or fear?
How will our family and friends respond?
Faith or fear?
Can I love another baby like my biological baby?
Faith or fear?
Can I love a birth mother well despite her life choices?
Faith or fear?
What about genetics vs upbringing?
Faith or fear?
What if the baby grows up and wishes it wasn't us.
Faith or fear?
As a wife, mommy, daughter, friend and co-worker, my tendencies in life tend to sway towards fear. You can ask my husband or close friends about my "worst case scenario" mindset. It might actually be entertaining to hear. It's not my favorite attribute of myself. But it is something God has taught me about so much these past 9 months.
I have the choice to look at each day and decide if I will live in fear or walk in faith. I have had to evaluate my view of how big my God is instead of trying to figure out how big I think I am.
I still have fears. Some adoption related. Some just life related. And I can't say that I have it figured out or that I have arrived.
But I can say this.
That if I wouldn't have put my fears aside for the above questions (and many more), then I wouldn't have received precious Judah. He is beautiful and oh so sweet. And when I look at him, I know he was always supposed to be with us. He was meant to be baby Brumley #3.
And to walk in fear alone...
To say no to continuing because of that fear...
means I would have missed that.
“For we live by faith, not by sight.”
2 Corinthians 5:7
“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.”
2 Corinthians 4:16-17
