He Makes Me Brave

It's not fun to be vulnerable.  Sometimes it's needed, but it's not fun. 

I want to type that I've got it together and that things are moving smoothly... and they are to an extent.  But the truth is, things are also hard.

In the last two weeks, we've been presented 8 different situations.  That means 8 birth mothers looking for homes for their future child.  With each situation, we are given quite a bit of background information on the birth family.  After reading the first one, I cried.  It hasn't gotten much easier with each one since. 

I'm reminded that we live in a broken world. 

A world of spouse abuse.  
A world of poverty.  
A world of drug addiction.  
A world of split families.  
A world of imprisonment.  
A world of disease.  

And each of these affect a birth mother, trying to make the best decision with the world she's living in...sacrificing to give best to her baby.  I've read letters from birth mothers wanting to offer their unborn child a "better life" than what they had, but also torn to give their child to another.  Can you imagine the heartache? 

And then there's an unborn child.  A baby. Caught in the middle of the chaos.  A baby that has been dealt an unfair hand before they even take their first breath.

We read over each situation and we pray.  It's hard to know when to present.  If you present, and the birth mother chooses you, then a sum of money is due at match.  This is often half the cost of the total adoption.  When the baby is born, the rest is due.  We've discussed the cost already and I won't go into it all again, but for now...we wait.  We wait on tax returns.  We wait on t-shirt fundraisers.  We wait on grants.  We wait on loans.  We save...and we wait. 

And we pray.  We pray for women we only know by their first name.  We pray for the baby.  We pray God would find the perfect family for that baby whether that's an adoptive family or the birth family.

And sometimes we cry....

We cry because we hurt over the brokenness of the world that I had somehow shielded myself from. 
Or maybe ignored. 
I'm not sure which.

I have days where I feel like we have a peace on the process and a peace in the waiting. 
And days when I hurt and doubt.  I want to be brave.  But I'm not.  I don't know if we can do it.  Can we raise a baby in spite of addiction.  In spite of the possibility of attachment issues.  In spite of transracial challanges.  In spite of brokenness.

And even if we can do all that, can we even get to the starting line?  Can we save/raise/borrow the money needed? Will we even get the opportunity?

I am thankful for a God who cares about me individually.  Who cares when I'm hurting and unsure.  Whose timing is perfect.  Who shared a song I have heard a hundred times, but today it served as the reminder I needed.

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the love that made a way

You make me brave
You make me brave
You call me out beyond the shore into the waves
You make me brave
You make me brave
No fear can hinder now the promises you made

And that's it. 

Alone I am scared. 
Alone I am doubtful. 
Alone I am inadequate. 
Alone it is impossible.

But with God. With God I am brave.

With God I can go beyond the shore into the waves.
With God...

I am learning that on the harder days, I have to evaluate where I'm looking for help.
Am I looking to myself, husband, family and friends?

Or am I looking to the One...

the only One....

who can make me brave.

 Lyrics from You Make Me Brave by Amanda Cook/Bethel Music