It's a No

Have you had a time in your life when you wanted the answer "yes" so badly only to have a "no" in return?  Surely I'm not the only one.

With this most recent situation, a YES is exactly what I wanted, but a NO is what we got.

When we receive a situation by email, there's a lot to process.  It is more than just a gender, race and due date to consider.  There are intimate details that are shared with you.  You can't help but feel when you read it.  Hurt.  Hope.  Love.

We don't want to make decisions based on emotions so we pray and we talk through what we know to be true, and we pray some more.  We always go to sleep unsure and praying, and then wake in the morning to talk it through again and see if we have a peace on presenting or not.  Each time (twice) we have presented, we have both had a peace that it was the direction we were supposed to go.

I know that it may not make sense without being in our shoes, but to present and then receive a no, it hurts.  I had been told this...I had read this...but I could not fully understand this before this point.

I know logically that these are people I've never met and that ultimately, this is not the child God has planned to join our family. I can recite all the right things to say to myself...things I know to be true.

But in the moment, it is not easy.

Before we present, we want to be 100% sure that we will follow through if the expectant mother chooses us.  I can't imagine how hard it would be for an expectant mother to fall in love with a family, only to have that family back out and change their minds.  Because we want to be all in, we have to allow ourselves to care...

to feel...

Even knowing that in the end of this journey, there's a great chance that a baby will join our family forever...

Even knowing that we will look at each other that day and say "it was worth it"...

Even knowing it takes most families lots of "no's" before they year "yes"....

It is hard.



I love to read.  I love to read suspense books.  But, I hate suspense.  I know.  I'm strange.

When I read, I often will skip ahead to the end of the chapter (or even the end of the book) and read what happens just because the suspense is killing me.  Then, knowing the ending, I go back and read the details.

(If someone else wants to admit that they do this too, I would be forever grateful.)

I want to skip to the end of the chapter.
I want to read ahead and know that it all works out.
I want to see for myself that we make it.
That we were strong enough.
To see that beautiful moment when we hold Brumley #3 in our arms.

I had to remind myself today that I am not the author of our story, but that I know the author of our story.

"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:16

God writes our story.  He knows the ending.  He knows the details.

He knows the hurts.  He knows the trials.  He knows and He cares.

He cares...which will allow us to continue to care deeply.
He loves...therefore we will continue to love fully.

We love because he first loved us. 1 John 4:19

Along our journey, we've read and heard the stories of others who have adopted.  So many times I think, "Wow...only God can write that.  Only God writes stories that beautiful."  And again and again I've prayed that we would be patient for God to write ours.

So we press forward.  We know today was the end of this specific chapter.  We don't know how many more pages we will turn in this book.  We don't know how many no's it will take.  But we know the One who writes it, has called us to it.

Thank you for your kind words, prayers and encouragement.  It means so much.