Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Power in Jesus

I have fought writing this blog.

I didn't want to tell others that we are presenting to another expectant mother today.

Because if I say it out loud to the world, then I also have to follow it up with another possible "no".

I didn't even want to present again this soon after our last no.  I want to curl up in a ball and not present and just pray God will send a baby to my doorstep.

My literal doorstep.

Because presenting is hard.  It's hard to know the details and dream of the future again each time.  It's hard not to want to put a wall of protection up so that I don't feel this time around.

When we got an email about a baby girl that is expected soon, God stirred in my heart again.  I called Cody to tell him about the email and we both instantly felt the need to respond with a yes to this family.  A yes that they could present us.

A yes that we would once again feel.

A yes that we would once again dream.

A yes that we were all in.

A yes that we would put ourselves in another situation where we may hear a no.

I know that God has called us to this.  I know that God has a plan.  Sometimes I wonder why He calls us to present, knowing the answer already.  It is so much easier to love big when we have the outcome we want.  I like to think that maybe God knew that the other birth mothers needed to see another family who saw value in her baby.  That makes the thought a little easier.

Last night, I told Cody that I didn't want to blog again.  I think it is partly from pride...
Knowing that we may be told no again and again over the coming months before we are matched.

Wouldn't it be easier to just share a post after we are matched?  Wouldn't it be easier to just show the good part? I want to just show the picture of our WHOLE family one day.  Can't we just crop out the rest...crop out the hard...photoshop out the tears...brighten up the we often do with our own social media post?

This morning when I left for work, I had decided not to share about our decision to present this time.

By the time I made it to work, I knew God was calling me to share the hard as well.

As I was driving, I was praying out loud...

God, I don't know how many times I can do this.  I know it's just three.  I know people present dozens of times.  I know people wait years....YEARS to adopt.  But I don't know if I can do this. How can I love fully again and again?  I. CAN'T. DO. IT.

Then, one of my favorite songs started to play on the radio.

There is power 
In the name of Jesus 
There is power 
Power in His name

And since I've decided to put myself out there again and share the feelings and the hurt, I might as well tell you that I cried.  I cried hearing my answer.  I can't do this, but there is POWER in the name of JESUS.  And through Him, I CAN.  

I can love big.  
I can love fully
I can hurt.  

But He,
He can heal.

One name breaks every chain
One name, always
One name, Jesus
One name, one name remains
One name, we will proclaim
One name, always
One name

One name, one name can save

Pray for us today as we await the news. 

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